Bonded

The first time I heard the term trauma bond I had an immediate flashback to D-Day.  After a two-hour disclosure, my then husband touched me.  He touched me in a way I had not been touched in over a year. A touch that began at my shoulders and slowly traced down to my fingertips. And then I slept with him.  After a two-hour disclosure that ended in a six-year affair confession, I slept with my then husband.

This, dear partner, is a trauma bond.

A trauma bond may be defined as a strong emotional connection in a relationship with cyclical patterns of abuse followed by a period of positive reinforcement*.   It is entirely confusing and heavy to apply such words to the relationship of marriage.  It is still heavy to write about to this day.  I was in shock and eventually denial when I heard it therapeutically explained to me in the context of my own marriage.  But this is exactly how a trauma bond survives and thrives. 

When my then husband disclosed, I went immediately from an outsider for many years to inside the circle of knowing. Stepping into the circle of knowing was an incredibly traumatic event. His touch, however, a touch that had been withheld through chronic patterns of rejection, was the positive reinforcement.

In my trauma bond, touch, made the bond even stronger.

I was 14 years deep into my own trauma bond when truth was revealed.  Appropriate, healthy reactions to a disclosure were not even available to my brain. 

It is important to identify if you are currently or have been in a trauma bond.

It is important we understand, dear partner, how a trauma bond may impact us, and importantly, our recovery.

Here are a few considerations from my own, lived experience: 

·        The trauma bond may be the lens through which you see all that has happened to you.

·        The trauma bond is what may lead you to lay down your life for a partner who has inconceivably wounded you, and not see yourself as a whole person to be valued, cared for, protected, and seen.

·        A trauma bond is not a marriage. It is not in sickness and in health. It is the result of an abuse cycle. It is fed by trauma, and it will perpetuate from that trauma.

After six months of work with my individual CSAT, I had survived two disclosures, countless episodes of gaslighting leading up to these disclosures, and I was still the first to defend, protect, and believe my then husband was choosing recovery. My therapy sessions emulated a desire to understand his trauma and his choices, and not see how his choices impacted me. My actual reality did not align with the reality I was living.  I remember one session, my CSAT’s attempts to rattle my denial, as she said, “You know there are other women...”

This is one of the first and perhaps most critical steps, dear partner. Before we can lay our firm foundation for healing. Before we can take impactful steps in a new and healthy direction.  We can choose to seek support, professional and personal, to break the bond. Regardless of where you are in the process, healing individually, committed to reconciliation with a partner who is choosing recovery, separated, or divorced, if you suspect you are currently or have been in a trauma bond, consider identifying and working with accountability partners, coaches, and/or therapists. Consider the need for someone available in real-time to run real life scenarios by, as they are happening. Consider having support to stay grounded in the reality at hand.

Breaking a trauma bond is a process. When a partner is used to you living one way, compliant, uninquisitive and unconfrontational, and a shift begins to happen to curious, accountable, and confident, this shift may lead to the adverse reactions and emotions we work hard to avoid while in the bond. Consider having a safety plan in place in the event such reactions escalate. Communicate such experiences with your accountability team to stay grounded in reality.

Breaking a trauma bond is a commitment. I remember one partners group call, receiving the strongly advised message from the coach, “Do not let him touch you.” This message was odd. This message was curious. And this message was an otherwise terrifying awakening to the cycle I had been living. The power that exists in one touch, erasing a single moment and ultimately a lifetime of psychological abuse. It was the first time I heard it said so directly in a therapeutic setting. It was undoubtedly a commitment I knew I needed to make to break the bond. Until recovery is consistently observed, validated, and confirmed by professionals in a therapeutic setting, consider working with your therapy team to decide when intimacy of any capacity is deemed appropriate.

Breaking a trauma bond is healing. It is healing for you, dear partner. It is healing for your spouse if they are committed to their own recovery. It is a re-learning and re-wiring of your brain that may require professional guidance. Consider breaking the bond entirely necessary to take independent and relational steps forward. Consider your life and your relationships worthy of being set free.

*(credit: https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding)