Terminology

These terms are defined for the context of this site.

Compulsive sexual behavior. Presents as a loss of control for sexual urges and impulses, with a continuation of engaging in such behaviors over an extended period, despite adverse consequences. Compulsive sexual behaviors may include but are not limited to pornography use, emotional and/or physical affairs, frequenting sexual establishments, virtual sexual behaviors including chat rooms and sexting, and engaging in high-risk sexual behaviors, such as prostitution. Alternative diagnoses that may be used in the context of professionally treating such behaviors include sex addiction, pornography addiction, love addiction, and sexual acting out.

Disclosure. The admission or discovery of compulsive sexual behaviors by an intimate partner that have taken place outside the committed relationship and without the knowledge and consent of the betrayed partner. A disclosure may be formal, informal, or a combination of both.

• Formal Disclosure. A guided process, led by a licensed or formally trained professional. During a formal disclosure, the betrayer states their compulsive sexual behaviors for the betrayed partner. A formal disclosure is typically organized as a timeline with fact-based information only, leaving the level of details shared up to the discretion of the therapy team and the betrayed partner. Details shared in a formal disclosure may include number of affair partners, dates or timeframes of when compulsive sexual behaviors took place, a financial investment in compulsive sexual behaviors, or locations of the compulsive sexual behaviors. A formal disclosure may be encouraged as a necessary step on the healing journey for the betrayed partner. Ultimately, it is the betrayed partner’s choice if they desire this step for healing.

• Informal Disclosure. Occurs when a betrayed partner incidentally discovers the compulsive sexual behaviors of the betrayer and/or the betrayer shares the compulsive sexual behaviors with their partner, outside the realm of a therapeutic setting. If the betrayer continues to withhold impactful information regarding their behaviors from the betrayed partner, and such impactful information is eventually disclosed over two or more instances, this may be referred to as a staggered disclosure.

Gaslighting. A form of manipulation and psychological control that leads someone to question their own perception of reality. Betrayed partners are fed false information from their partners, creating self-doubt and questions about what they know to be true. Partners who have lived with gaslighting experience a range of signs and symptoms such as anxiety, irritability, nervousness, loss of confidence, and inability to trust their instincts. Credit: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

Treatment Specialists

Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT). A licensed mental health professional with formal training in the treatment of compulsive sexual behaviors.

The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). An individual trained to treat betrayed partners of sex addicts.

• APSATS is an organization that utilizes a Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (MPTM), supporting partners and their unique trauma, separate and in conjunction with the person with compulsive sexual behaviors. Click to locate an APSATS trained individual in your area: https://www.apsats.org/specialists#!directory/map

Books & Self-Guided Workbooks

Intimate Deception by Dr. Sheri Keffer

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW, CSAT

Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts Second Edition edited by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D.

You Can Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith

Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Lysa Terkeurst

Seeing Beautiful Again: 50 Devotions to find redemption in every part of your story by Lysa Terkeurst

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle

Try Softer by Aundi Kolber, MA, LPC

Trauma Mama Husband Drama by Anne Blythe, M.Ed.

Help. Them. Heal. Teaching You Both How to Heal Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal by Carol Juergensen Sheets LCSW, CSAT, CCPS-S, CPC-S, PCC

Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D., Mari A. Lee, LMFT, and Anthony D. Rodriquez, LCSW