Dear Friend of Betrayal Trauma

I had one friend during my betrayal trauma journey, from first disclosure to divorce, who knew my truth in its entirety. It wasn’t an objective or intentionally selective decision on my part to ask one friend to carry the heaviest of my burdens, watch them unfold on repeat, and support me as I vacillated between the worst, to surviving, to thriving versions of myself and back again. She was the one human I saw most consistently during this time period. We worked together. We had been in each other’s lives years prior, lost contact for a bit, and God returned her to me for a season I did not know I would desperately need her unique perspectives from lived experience, calming and nurturing soul, and peaceful presence. She is a gem of a human who showed up in ways I could not possibly sum up in words.

Today’s post is for all of the friends who hold my truth in any capacity.

Today’s post is for the friends who have the honor, and at times, absolute torture, of humbly walking beside us as we navigate one of life’s toughest journeys.

Today’s post is for the hard questions you may ask yourself, if you are a friend supporting someone walking through betrayal trauma.

What should I say, and not say, to a friend who is new in her betrayal trauma healing journey?

What can I say to support a friend who is separating?

What was most helpful to hear from a friend during times of uncertainty?

What can I say to a friend when I am concerned for her safety or well-being?

These are all courageous and well-meaning questions to consider, with having a friend’s experience, safety, and best interest in mind. I reflect back on the personal experience I had with my dear friend. It wasn’t so much what she said. It was perhaps, more importantly, how she made me feel.

Safe. Seen. Heard.

She learned the difference between my wanting her to hold space and listen, and when I wanted or needed advice. She spoke up in times she was concerned for my safety. She encouraged me to consider letting others into my trusted inner circle in whatever capacity felt best. She asked my permission if she could share my story with her husband, so she could have an outlet herself for the complexities and heaviness of the situations at hand. She was great for “checking-in” when I would go dark, pouring myself into our work and forgetting that I was a person with real needs in a situation that warranted time for self care. She picked up the pieces and filled in holes wherever she could, to lighten the load of an otherwise heavy day. She showed up as a real human with her own experiences, concerns, and perspectives, and just loved me. She unconditionally showed me so much love.

We do not need a plethora of sound advice or guidance from a friend. We likely have a team of therapists and a slew of self-help books to guide our healing journey. What we do need, is a friend who says, “This is absolutely terrible…” when our reality is absolutely terrible. A friend who redirects our ruminating brains to a coffee date or yoga class. A friend who calls us out, from a place of love, when we are ignoring obvious red flags that hinder our healing progress. A friend who interjects our rants about our spouse’s therapy and needs, and says, “But what do YOU need?” A friend who validates our lived experiences, and boldly states, “You are not crazy.” A friend who respects our boundaries, and loves us anyway, when a day is just too much for words.

We bring heavy bags to a friendship.

We may be emotionally and physically available one minute, to speechless with no available head space beyond our trauma the next. If we are doing our work, our healing work, we will respect the moments you need to take a pause from supporting a situation that may feel dark, bleak, or hopeless at times. Be sure to take care of yourself, if you are going to invest in supporting a loved one healing from trauma.

Thank you to all of my dearest, who bravely stepped in and stepped up to lighten my load.

Thank you for knowing how to say everything and nothing, all at the same time.

Thank you for restoring the belief that what I bring to the friendship, a genuine relationship, is enough.

Thank you for reminding me that I am brave. I am healing. I am worth fighting for.