Grey Rock
I knew leaving the marriage would be daunting. Navigating financially impactful decisions and property allocation with someone who has utilized a cyclic presentation of manipulation and love-bombing for their best interest and the entirety of your marriage, would be daunting. I had been cautioned by my therapy team in the days leading up to my then husband finding out that I wanted a divorce, to expect the worst, and perhaps far worse than I had ever seen, in his behaviors. Expect the worst and pray for the best. I did both and sought credible resources to prepare for everything in between.
I was sitting in my car, working through breathwork patterns with a podcast playing in the background before I walked into the salon for a hair appointment. I had been listening to a series on divorce when the host explained a communication technique that saved my sanity and kept my divorce moving forward.
Grey Rock is a technique that involves stripping all of the emotion out of communication, and relaying fact-based, necessary information only. Lifeless, dull, and otherwise insanely boring communication.
Picture a grey rock on the edge of a picnic table. I had one once. At girl scout camp we picked “pet rocks” from the woods to decorate with paint and other fun accessories. My rock, was in fact, grey. It had smooth edges and I remember the calming sensations of holding this rock in my hand. I didn’t need paint. Grey was fine for me. A narcissist, however, requires the paint. They need the vibrant strokes of color and all of the accessories to supply their brain. Grey will not do. Grey is boring. And this dear partner, is exactly what we want to be if we must have, remain in, or end all communication with a partner who demonstrates narcissistic behaviors. We can become the grey rock.
I received a few texts and emails leading up to my divorce that required grey rock responses. Messages that ranged from intense self loathing from the loss he was experiencing, to telling me I couldn’t get my things from our marital home because he was painting doors in the house, to simply ignoring requests altogether and instead entertaining other, irrelevant topics. All messages equally triggering. All requiring the external support of my trusted inner circle, legal, and therapy teams before I could reply. All candidates for grey rock communication.
After receiving the rest of my things from my marital home, I committed to communication via email only. This provided ample time to write, re-write, read out loud, and strip all of the emotion from my communication. Replies that were once paragraphs of my feeding his supply with compassion, were now one sentence. And eventually, the replies were only one word. Nothing more, nothing less. When we no longer give our narcissistic partners (or ex-partners) their supply, dear partner, the idea and goal is that they move on. There is no bait or vulnerability for them to latch onto. There is no one to argue with in battles that never end constructively. I was oddly blessed during the final days of my grey rock communication, that my then husband had already circled back to an affair partner to begin his new life and supply. His continued choices, and the art of grey rock communication, allowed me to begin mine.
One year after my divorce, his name popped up in my inbox. A short, cryptic, message reminiscing the loss of our marriage. My therapy tool box opened, and a screen shot of his message went to my accountability partner to remain grounded in reality. My tool box closed. No reply was sent. And I stepped out into the sunshine, that which is my freedom and life, with coffee in hand.
