Plan While It’s Quiet

I called my dad early that morning on the way to work. The sun had just started to reflect off the morning dew, covering the fields that lined the back roads I had been driving for nearly four years. Most mornings looked like this, with the occasional school bus that would offer more time to pause next to the fall layers of hay and pine grass that give way to wildflowers in the spring. This morning was different though. I had been masking the last five months during these catch-up calls with my dad, using a more than usual upbeat voice and bringing our topics back to anything other than my life. But this morning, I planned to take the mask off. Or rather, lift it enough to ask for something I needed. The mask had become part of my survival. It held in all the damage. I could function outside in reality with the mask on. I had no intention of revealing all the damage to my dad that early fall morning; that would be entirely too much for one parent to bear in a single phone call. I only had one ask. I needed a budget.

 Despite being in my car and very much alone, I spoke quietly and softly of a hypothetical scenario. If I spoke it too loud, hypothetical, or not, it became real.  If my marriage continued to dissipate at the speed at which it was, I would need to clearly understand my financial situation.  Independent of my spouse. My then husband had made subtle insinuations that I could not do it on my own, occasionally reminding me that my life would change dramatically without his financial support. But as it became imminent that my situation was not improving, and rather on a steady decline, I awakened to the curiosity that maybe, just maybe, I could do it on my own.

My consideration for you, dear partner, is to plan while it’s quiet. Plan for a day, a situation, or a decision, that you may never need to make.  Plan anyway.  Plan when your partner is off at a business event or visiting family. Plan while they are deep into in their own recovery. Plan for your protection, your safety, your independence, and your financial well-being.  Plan because you are a priority.

 Here is a brief list of planning priorities to consider, regardless of when or if you ever need them. 

Create a living expense budget. My living expense budget was an informal excel file that captured my monthly take home pay allocated for a list of expenses (rent, groceries, cell phone bill, car insurance, etc.). If you are not currently employed or do not have a source of income independent of your spouse, consider seeking legal advice to understand alimony, or financial provisions that may come from your spouse if a divorce were to occur. Consider being open, if time and resources allow, to exploring obtaining a source of income independent of your spouse. Consider skills you have or may want to learn. Write them down. Consider financial education and planning a success.

Create a list of family law and divorce attorneys.  At the time I was exploring hypothetical scenarios, I could not bring myself to even say the “D” word. Divorce. However, when I did choose to proceed with divorce, I would have appreciated a list of resources and terminology that was prepared when it was quiet. Some attorneys offer free consultations. You are free to practice, educate yourself, and prepare under hopefully calmer circumstances than when a divorce is actually in motion. In advance of divorce, you may consider asking for legal support in understanding post nuptial agreements and/or separation agreements, two documents that personally were entirely new territory. Taking steps to educate and legally protect yourself, dear partner, is to be celebrated.

Create a safety plan. Identify a key person or people who you would contact if necessary for physical, emotional, and/or spiritual support. Initiating a separation or divorce does not typically bring out the best in people. Consider having a secure place in mind if you need to leave an escalating situation. Consider your safety a priority as you plan while it is quiet.

Dear partner. It is okay to choose supporting your spouse in recovery. It is also okay to choose your own recovery in it’s fullest capacity.

These are tough days, and I do not intend to simplify the work and decisions at hand with a bulleted list. I do intend to help you awaken. To help you be curious enough to consider, that if recovery does not proceed in the fashion we all deserve, that you are a person. A whole person who perhaps may not otherwise see themselves outside of all the burdens we may carry.

I see you.