Dear Betrayed Partner
I wrote this journal entry shortly after my third D-Day. With three disclosures under my belt, I felt equipped to put pen to paper and capture what a partner could expect in the early days of betrayal trauma.
12/29/2022
Dear Betrayed Partner,
In these early days, you fade in and out. Quickly. The flashbacks are intense. What you read, what you saw, what you heard, comes into your soul quickly and then leaves. Your new reality of before you knew, and what you now know, intertwined.
The denial is real. You pinch your eyes closed and open, closed and open, to try convincing your brain it never happened. It was a mistake. You hold your body tight. You forget to breathe. And then you breathe what feels like your first breath in days. You are in too much shock to cry. That will happen later, and it will happen. But for now, save the time to grieve for a later day.
You begin looking back on several moments that were lies. Your brain fires off glimpses of stories they told, and the imagery they used to hide the truth. Who you thought they were is slowly overshadowed by truth, and it is all too much to handle in a single moment.
You begin to recall moments you questioned things, even if you didn’t understand. The lying has been slowly impacting you. It has left holes, that you inherently filled with coping mechanisms and trauma responses to keep yourself safe.
There are many directions your brain and heart will travel in these early weeks. Here are a few recommendations I learned from lived experience, that I hope you find comfort in knowing for the coming weeks:
· Cover yourself in truth. Be conscious of what you expose your brain and heart to in these early weeks. The music, television, food, and people you expose yourself to, all have the potential to impact and influence how you will heal.
· Share your new reality with a person or people who truly know and love you. I recommend keeping the circle small. You do not know it yet, but everyone will process this new reality differently, and their opinions have potential to profoundly impact you during these early days. An immediate need, truly, is for your trusted people to love you unconditionally. You have tough days ahead, and your primary goal right now is to feel safe and loved.
· Remind yourself daily, this is not your fault. If you saw red flags and were not equipped to honor them, it’s not your fault. If you unknowingly exposed your family, and your innocent children to the chaos of deception, it is not your fault. You will feel like you cannot trust yourself, your judgement, or your intuition, for quite some time. But that will pass. I promise, it will pass.
· Do what brings you joy. When you are able, for five minutes or for five hours, do something that brings you joy. The more you expose yourself to joy, the more those trauma holes are filled with positive, healthy experiences.
· Therapists are an outlet. A place to get your words out. I suggest therapy in those early months to get your words out. To identify your triggers. To navigate moving from the initial shock, to anger, to grieving. You will want to be your own advocate. When you find yourself sharing the same stories, receiving the same feedback, feeling like you are out of things to say or tired of living and being chronically reminded of this space, give yourself permission to take a break from therapy.
· Be honest with your boundaries. Tell people what you do and do not want to discuss. Tell them when you need space.
· Stretch and move daily. We hold our bodies tight. Our jaw, our shoulders, our back, clenched and hyperreactive. Take a few minutes of intentional time to move your limbs, touch your toes, reach your arms into the air, whatever feels safe and good to open your body to healing while releasing the tension that accumulates.
· You get to decide what is enough for today, dear partner. It may be a new pair of pajamas or clean sheets, or a shower only to put back on the pajamas and climb into clean sheets. You get to decide for today, what feels good and what feels safe.
Breathe… this is Trauma.
Breathe…I see you.
