The Truth About Truth
The best advice I received from my CSAT was about cooking. “What is the one ingredient that can make or break a recipe?” she asked, as we opened our session. I let out a slow sigh as my eyes drifted away from the zoom screen. I had done so little cooking since disclosure, and I pictured myself in my kitchen with a cup of coffee and all its natural light while doing Sunday meal prep. Life looked so different now. She undoubtedly saw my digression and kindly answered for me. Salt.
My CSAT was helping me unpack the latest rabbit hole I went down that week. The hole I dug so deep, that I finally found a picture of my then husband’s affair partner. Which led to seeing a picture of the affair partner on our boat with her small child; her leopard print towel hanging in the background. I saw various other images and glimpses of the life I now know they had spent together for six years. I had been inescapably ruminating on all of these images for several days. My therapist, breaking my trance, continued on to explain that salt is a lot like truth. Add just a little, taste, and you can always add more. Add too much, and there is no going back; it will never taste the same.
Truth is like salt. If you are like me in the early days post disclosure, there is no stopping and tasting; you likely want all of it. Every mind-blowing, where did it happen, when did it happen, how many times, level of truth-bombing details. The truth about truth though, is once you hear it, and once you see it, you can’t go back. There is no rewrite for the pain and anguish your brain will be fueled to ruminate on for weeks, to months, to years.
The truth about truth, is you get to decide how much or how little you want to know. You get to decide what boundaries you want to have in place, for the level of details you will not be able to unsee and unhear. My best advice is to be intentional with your truth. Here are a few questions to use as a guide:
· Is this helpful information for my recovery?
· What is my goal for knowing the answer to this truth?
· What will I do with this information?
· Is this truth necessary to keep me safe?
· How will this truth impact my recovery?
It was helpful and imperative for my healing, that I could put a name to a face for my then husband’s affair partner. This information was helpful for my recovery, because this woman lived roughly 15 minutes from my home. My goal for knowing what she looked like, was to alleviate the anxiety I was experiencing at our local grocery store, over a woman I thought might be the affair partner. I felt emotionally prepared when I stepped outside my doors, into my church, a restaurant, a coffee shop, and the walking trails I frequented with knowing this truth. This truth did help me feel safe. And eventually, it did become a positive step forward in honoring my needs and having healthy boundaries within those needs.
I encourage you to work with your therapist, a trusted friend or family member to decide what truth is important to you and your recovery. Write it down. Honor it with grace and patience. Practice forgiveness and self love for the moments you blow through the boundaries you set.
The truth about truth, is you get to decide.
May we be intentional with our truth, with the ultimate goal being to serve and not hinder our healing.
