He Knows My Name

I slid my documents under the window after one last glance. My grip was perhaps too strong, because the woman on the receiving end gave a confused look as she peeled them from my fingers. She glanced over the documents and confusion was immediately replaced by a full face smile as she expressed congratulations were in order. I didn’t even raise my eyes for full contact as I mumbled, “for what?” I knew her misunderstanding. I already knew the response that was coming. ”Marriage!” she eagerly said. A lone tear had already made its way down my cheek. A lone tear remained for the name I would be trading in that day. “Divorce,” I told her. “Divorce is why I am here. Divorce is the reason for my new name…”

I wasn’t emotional or feeling the intensity of this particular decision, because of the loss of my marriage. This loss was different entirely. I made a career with that name. I would now be showing up to my professional world and relationships as…different. From my email signature to the impactful research publications I was included on, I had made a name with that name. He took everything. And now he would be taking this too, I thought, as I climbed back into my car with my adult, professional name left in the hands of a stranger at the social security office.

Dear partner. This was a tough one.

I was a walking divorce decree for months. My certified with a seal document was never far as I navigated the name change process. I did an out-of-state move and job change in the middle of this time as well. Due to the timing of it all, I had to enter my new job under my married name until I had a new drivers license and established address. New colleagues, Human Resources, and email addresses, referring to married-name-me. My often triggered and less-than professional responses of this is who I am! That’s not me anymore!

It was a time of taking many steps forward and at an accelerated rate.

It was also a time for God to hit me with a hard pause for perspective and gratitude.

During this intense time of transition, I could show up in the world with an attitude that reflected demons I was battling, or I could show up reflecting all that which Christ had done and continues to do for me.

My story. My name.

What would I do with this name?

I humbly share this was not an easy shift. Surrendering my worldly relationship with a name that I had made a persona and life out of into a perspective of gratitude for a name I had not carried since I was 28 years old, was not an easy shift.

But, God.

I often ask God to remind me who and whose I am. To remind me that what I do and who I am is not for worldly recognition, a reputable Google search, or Linked In profile. My walk on this Earth is to serve him. To serve his will for my life. And I believe this is another step in our healing journey, dear partner. The stripping down of what was our identity. The release of what once defined us.

This perspective was a choice that I wrestled with, but mostly embraced.

Because I have been the 1 in 99 (Luke 15:3-7). I have been the woman at the well, feeling less than, and unworthy (John 4: 4-26) . I have been the woman on bended knees, washing the feet of Jesus (Luke 7: 37-39).

I have been both lost and found.

And it is not because of my accomplishments or Googled-accolades. God does not seek and continue to heal me, because of the initials before or titles after my name. My true identity rests in the one who sees me. The one who calls me by name. The one who saw a purpose far greater than I could have ever imagined.

Because He knows my name.