Withdrawal
When the phone calls, texts, and emails stopped and my days from start to finish looked entirely new, I experienced a different type of unsettled. That is the best word I can use to describe it. I would end most days reclined on my couch, with a cozy blanket and the latest book I was reading, a cup of tea, and clenched jaw. Multiple times a night, sleepless and hazy, my hand inadvertently would reach from my bed for my phone, turn it over to light the screen, and repeat. I was frequently checking all communication platforms throughout my day. What was I looking for? I was confusingly disappointed and distracted by an empty inbox. The world was suddenly quiet, but my brain and body were not. This was what I wanted. This is what I fought hard to walk through and where I wanted to arrive. So why were my unsettled behaviors saying otherwise?
Withdrawal.
I didn’t know the body can experience withdrawal from a person. More specifically, withdrawal from doing life with someone’s toxic behaviors. I learned about the process of withdrawal, specifically from a trauma bond, shortly after my divorce. It was a new and unsettling experience, and I could have benefited from preparation, knowledge, and resources.
My withdrawal symptoms began seeping out as my brain registered at a new baseline; one that no longer was under the influence of manipulative and toxic behaviors. A racing mind. A fidgeting body. An unsettled nervous system. And perhaps the most confusing and concerning symptom of them all. I had an overwhelming desire for contact. I was inexplicably craving communication with the one human who hurt me beyond measure.
The symptomatic presentation of withdrawing from a trauma bond, an abusive relationship, a narcissistic human, varies person to person. The presentation may include, but is not limited to, emotional dysregulation and distress, sleep disturbances, guilt, self-doubt, panic, and cravings for contact with the person. I can understand and appreciate the vulnerability of this period. The undeniable urge to return to the chaos, and that which was familiar. How easy it would have been to just pick up the phone. To share a sermon I saw and thought he would appreciate. To imagine a life where we were simply old friends who could catch up over coffee. None of this was possible. None of this would ever be possible.
The physical manifestations that strongly correlated with my withdrawal from the trauma bond, at their worst, lasted a few months. And then they dissipated. I humbly reflect on and appreciate how incredibly vulnerable I was during this phase of my healing. Vulnerable to returning to the trauma bond. Vulnerable to seek validation and quick-fixes to release me from the emotional distress and challenging behaviors I was experiencing.
If the unsettling effects of withdrawal are a part of your healing journey, I encourage you to consider the following suggestions to remain focused and stable during this period:
Maintain open communication with accountability partners to stay grounded in reality.
Journal your emotions and ruminating thoughts.
Schedule therapy sessions in advance of needing them.
Structure your days with constructive & intentional activity outside of your routine responsibilities.
Go for a walk, have coffee with a friend, do something that brings your brain joy.
Work with your therapy team to compose of a list of your core values. Reference this list often or as needed.
I share this season of my reality with you from a vulnerable place. In case you can relate. In case you need someone to say, yes, it’s absolutely real what you are experiencing.
Our healing does not end in divorce, separation, or when simply choosing a path to recovery. Each day, each moment, is an opportunity to lay a new and firm foundation. A firm foundation may be laid with a commitment to faith, sound knowledge, trusted resources, and reliable tools. Our brains undoubtedly require the opportunity to adjust to our foundation, as we form new and healthy pathways that are far from that which was familiar.
We can survive this refining period.
Our peace is coming, dear partner. I promise, it is coming.
