Seventeen

When my nieces turned 17, I stressed for weeks on what to get them for their birthday. Not quite adults, but close enough for milestone moments and impactful decisions. They were youthfully busy preparing for college applications, dating, and traveling with friends. As I soaked up their excitement during our catch-up sessions, small doses of dread would seep into my conscious brain. I would think of 17-year-old me. At 17, I had planned out my life’s trajectory, written it down, prayed it out, and earnestly laid out all of the steps to make it happen. At 17, I was also three years from meeting my ex-husband.

I settled on copies of Boundaries in Dating, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. As I wrapped the book, I envisioned far cooler gifts they would be receiving for their birthday. And I was the aunt sending a paper-back with the subtle (and not so subtle) messages of: Maybe don’t date for a while, or maybe ever? and Guard your heart, your life’s trajectory depends on it! I stared at the now gift-wrapped boxes and thought, how could I make this more personal? How could I make this gift impactful? I wanted to leave them with something they could refer back to on their cusp of adulthood, and well into their seasoned adult years. So I unwrapped the books and on the inside covers, I decided to write them a message. When they find the book one day, years later perhaps, as they are packing up their college dorm or moving into their first home, I wanted them to come back to the words that held my experienced truths. A few impactful lessons learned, and lessons I would have wanted in my bank of wisdom at 17.

As the bulleted thoughts poured out of me, I realized I wasn’t just writing them for my girls. I was also, very much so, writing them for newly single me. Therapeutically returning to 17-year-old me, and to simply say, it’s okay. It is all okay, and we can begin again.

Here are the lessons I captured on the inside cover of their books. I also highly recommend this book for anyone, in any part of their life, exploring dating and settling down to do life with another human.

My Top 17 for Your 17th Year

We are not enough, and God designed it this way. If we were everything, where would the desire to seek God for wholeness land?

Not all love is broken.

If you change your mind, go confidently, and change your mind.

God is so much bigger; God is so much bigger than all of it.

Embrace all of your life until now. All of it. God wastes none of it and He is working it all together for His good.

Admire and seek authenticity. Surround yourself with it.

Be your own Advocate. Ask for what you want. Say what you feel. And don’t be afraid of it.

Name your values. List them. And when you find yourself deviating from them (because we all do), it’s okay to come back. You are always worth coming back to your core values.

Success does not define you. You, define you.

Spiritual discipline + relationship with God. The end.

If you have to change who you are to fit someone’s mold, choose yourself, and not the mold.

Know your people, and tell them they are blessings to you. Your people can be a group of 2 or 25, but seek that point where you value trust and real connection over numbers.

The boyfriend of date nights, gifts, and silly moments will look different than the husband of doing dishes, taking out the trash, and embracing you at your worst. One does not just transform into the other. They choose it, maturely and spiritually. Just like they should choose you, daily. Consider this when considering a life partner.

The magic in relationships happens in the smallest of every day moments. Eye contact. Reaching for your hand. Bringing home your most favorite snack. Praying with you daily. These moments add the value, the good stuff, to intimate and deep, meaningful relationships.

Your past does not define you. Your past does not define you. Your past does not define you. Say it, until you believe it.

An ending relationship. An unforeseen change in career plans. A loss. An injury. A bad choice. These can be a part of your story, and yet, not be your whole story. Don’t allow one thing to be the whole thing.

Seek God honestly. He already knows. He already knows all of it.

We can try our very best to protect our most precious loved ones from the worst of this world. But they are free to be who they are, and who God made them to be. They are free to stumble, fall, and rise again. We can imprint our wisdom and tools, all that we have learned and value, onto their souls. We can hang it freely in their universe, to grab in a season it is most needed. We can leave them with the security of knowing they can always come back.

They can always come home to us.